Only a few days left until Christmas and nearly a month has passed since my Mom died. I am still not sure what I am going to do without her. :0(

I am so sick of everything and everyone.

I know that I am suppose to take things one day at a time but the minutes seem endless and  these days are too long.

I sit awake counting the sad days... 1, 2, 3 thats too many for me.

Love Is Watching Someone Die

"LOVE IS WATCHING SOMEONE DIE"  death cab for cutie

 The rate at which my Mom's health deteriorated is difficult to wrap my head around. The last time my Mom was feeling up to visiting was on Halloween Oct 31, 2011. That was the last time that she came to my house.
    As November progressed, my Mom's cough got worse. Cole slept over  her house Sat Nov 12 and on Monday Nov 14, she received the news that the cancer was aggressive, not responding to chemo and spreading. All of her hope was crushed. I hung out with her Tuesday but she was super tired. By Wednesday, she was in pain, coughing up mucous nonstop, turning blue and unable to eat or drink anything without choking. I asked her what does SHE want to do at this point. She said, GO TO SLEEP.  Looking for alternatives I asked about the Cancer Treatment Center of America and she said, she wasn't interested.  "If they could cure everyone, nobody would die from cancer." I responded,  do you want me to call hospice?  she said, if you think it is a good idea. At that moment, I just started to sob as I hugged her like a little girl. She too began to cry.  She was defeated. I knew in my heart that the cancer won and that I was going to lose my Mom. Through my tears I said, I am sorry Mom, I am selfish. I don't want to see you suffer but I don't want to say Goodbye either. I want my Mom. I want my kids to have their Nawney. Life seems so unfair sometimes.

       9 days after entering the Hospice Inpatient Unit, My Mom passed away. I was beat down physically and mentally. My Dad and I took turns and shifts at the hospital. We both feared that if we left, she would feel alone and we didn't want her to be alone when she died.  Every day I wondered, will today be the day?  My Dad on the otherhand held onto the belief that he would be taking her home and we would tend to her needs there just as we did the first night.   

      On Sunday Nov 27, I rushed to get out of my house and to the hospital. I normally left my house around 10 and got there around 10:30 but on this day, I was out of the house earlier.  Before going upstairs to 7777, I stopped to have a cigarette.  One of my Mom's nurses joined me and when I asked about her status, she said, no change; however, she felt that my Mom was slipping into a coma.  When I got upstairs, my Mom's eyes were half open and grey and as she stared out the window. I hugged her and rested my head on hers, kissing her gently and said, Mom, I love you. She gave me a slight nod.  I said, I know, you love me too.  My phone rang and I excused myself.  My Dad was hugging her and talking about shopping for my Barbie. Suddenly, my Dad comes running out of the room.  Nicole, I think she is gone.  I ran in and placed my hand on her chest and she was no longer breathing. She was gone.  My Mom died at 10am.  My Dad and I embraced as the tears flowed. We both lost out best friend. Now what?
    When Aria died, she was wrapped in a yellow blanket before she was taken to the funeral home.  The blanket was about the size of a piece of paper. When my Mom first entered the hospital, I gave her the blanket in lieu of a stuffed toy. The blanket meant the world to me because it was the only thing I have left to remind me of Aria. That blanket went with my Mom to the funeral home too. The funeral director was going to give it back but I sent it to be cremated. I don't know--- I just didn't want my Mom to feel alone for a single minute.
     I made it through the viewing with my best friends- Eric and Poppy by my side. Strangely, the viewing seemed easy. Watching my Mom waste away to bones and actually seeing her die was guesome. At the viewing, she looked like a stranger. A stranger about to smile.  I was standing over her body trying to fix her wig. She never feathered her hair. As I was doing this, I hit her cold, odd feeling ear and exclaimed, ICK, aloud, which made me start laughing.  I guess a girl standing over a dead body laughing hysterically looks a bit weird. My odd child says, Ma, you better check on my oddmother, she is laughing.  It just reminded me of all the funny things that my Mom, Poppy and I  would laugh about.
     I am not sure that I have grieved because I am so busy with the girls and trying to help my poor dad. I am starting to feel a bit burned out.  I wish I could skip xmas this year, FAST FWD please.