Death, Blogging vs Journal

Captain's Log 7-72011

I don't even know where to begin. Our trip to Essex, CT was terrific, The girls LOVED the beach. Lx was the sand eater and Athena was the sand thrower.  As always, Cole was mellow. After CT, we drove to NY, NY and stayed with our BF in the east village. For the 4th, we saw the macy's fireworks.

*BOOM*

A fragment of  ?? landed in Cole's eye. Instant pain. In a crowd of 1000's. I have to be mean.  Suck it up, we got to get back to the apt, and get on the road to go home. We will go to the eye dr first thing in the am.

We are trying to leave and get stuck in a ridiculous amount of Tunnel traffic for an hour+. We get through the tunnel and my tire goes flat!!! We back down an on ramp and make it to this spooky little gas station in the NJ somewhere. maybe Newark?  By this time, we are exhausted and have 3 sleeping children in the back seat. Finally, we  get on the road and X starts falling asleep despite all my attempts to keep him awake. People who know me, know that I cannot see at night. I figured me not seeing is safer than his swaying into other lanes. Must try to keep my babies safe. Home safely at 3:30am. X was suppose to be at work by 7:00.  At 7, Bean starts yelling UP. I look over and realize that X did not get up for work.

At 8:00, I received a phone call from my dad that my aunt donna died. WHAT?!  Although she was suffering with Lupus, this was sudden.  Apparently, she fell and hit her head. She climbed back into her bed and died. It is assumed that she died Saturday night or Sunday morning. She was found July 4 when her friends realized that she did not get her Sunday paper.

While X was changing my flat, I posted on FB about being stuck. Come to realize that when my friend said,  "take your time, be safe etc etc" it had more meaning than usual. He was the first responder to the 911 call.  He knew what I was returning home to.  Coming through  the door of her apartment, he was bombarded with pictures of me, X and my children. His first though, shit, this is Nik's Mom.  My Aunt and I were close. Probably, just as close as me and my Mom.

A week ago, I spoke to her. She sounded off. Not herself at all. I expressed concern, However, I never imagined it would come to this. The obituary hit me like a tidal wave. Ouch! Preceded in death by her niece Aria, OMG- my daughter. It is in writing. Because nobody met her, I think people forget that she existed.  Oh Aunt Donna, if there is a heaven, I hope you are cuddling with Aria and Jason.

As I stood in the line at the viewing, all of her friends said, she loved you and your children so much. We feel like we know you and X. My response, I KNOW, I KNOW.   We went to her apartment last night because the exec of the will needed the checkbook and such. We had to rummage through paperwork. I found journals and read a few entries. Then found the one from 2008. I opened up to my pregnancy with Aria. Every entry expressed concerned about my well being. "Nicole, is bleeding again; I am so worried." Then on the day Aria died, she wrote about the time I called, the birth and went on to say she just couldn't stop crying. On other days I saw posts that said, nobody called me today....... I suggested that we toss them or at least that my Mom not read them. Who knows what is written.

Anyway during the service the pastor went on a love Jesus join the church tirade. I literally stared at the floor and heard LA LA LA LA LA drowning him out. X on the other hand focused on the phrase PRAYER WARRIOR and thought it should have been followed by tiger blood and Madonna's DNA. lol This love Jesus speech made me stop crying and get annoyed so I reckon it was a good thing.

This brings me to the question:
Old school handwritten journal. Is it meant to be read or shared upon death?  These online blogs or journals are going to be read, which alters thoughts or true feelings,  A journal on the other hand is personal in my opinion.  What good is it now to find out that she was in a lot of pain? that she was sad that nobody called? hurt that people did not visit?

This is a lot to absorb in a short amount of time.
RECOVERY.............................