I know that I should not be surprised because I was told that my Dad would be lucky if he made it until July without bypass surgery and life style changes.
Yet, I am. I held onto the belief that he would defy all odds. After all, he is a Marine where pain is just weakness leaving the body.
Thursday 7/25 the kids and I had a great time with PopPop. We had ice cream together and wished him luck for his scheduled surgery the next day. On Friday 7/26, I was at the hospital and when the surgeon came out, he was beaming with happiness. My Dad did great and he even looked fantastic. We had hopes that he would be home by Saturday but he had a chest pain here and there, which delayed "going home." On Sunday 7/28, I spent hours with him at the hospital. He was trying to sign himself out but he was advised against it because if his heart weakened any further, he would be unable to have a bypass. He decided that he would wait until Monday or wait until he had the chance to speak with the surgeon. Sadly, he never got the chance.
Monday morning, I received a call from my Uncle saying they had to move my Dad to ICU. I took the kid's to my BFFs house and was heading to the hospital. While at my BF's house, I received a phone call asking me if I was on my way to the hospital. When I responded, "yes", the nurse asked, by yourself? um yes. I just had a feeling that this wasn't going to be good. When I arrived at the hospital, they surrounded me and asked to speak with me in private before I saw him. We (his girlfriend, brother and I) went into this small room. the story began: he had a chest pain that would not go away, moved him to ICU for better monitoring, he had difficulty breathing so they inserted a breathing tube to ease his anxiety and then HE CODED. My brain thought Coded, oh no coded....... Dr tried for 45 minutes to revive him and was unsuccessful and then the words were spoken, he died.
CODED, UNSUCCESSFUL, DEAD
Oh my God, my Dad is dead. PopPop is gone. My entire childhood, my family gone. Just like that. Coded. Unsuccessful, Dead. Gone from my life. Gone from my precious son who has already lost so many people. Taken from my girls who will never know what it is like to have maternal Grandparents, a maternal family.
Grief- what is it? Numb, I am feeling numb.
Coded, unsuccessful dead...... like my emotions. Afraid to love, too indifferent to hate.
Just keep moving forward.
First, I lost my daughter Aria in 2008. Then my Aunt Donna died (2011) at the age of 50 from complications associated with Lupus. Less than 6 months later, my Mother's lung cancer took her from me at the age of 55. I will never forget the way she looked, her last breath and my Dad's embrace. I didn't have time to mourn. I needed to move forward and fast in order to take care of my Nanna- my Mom's Mom. She didn't know that her two daughter preceded her in death because of dementia, which I suppose has its perks. In the meantime, my Dad's health was declining after my Mom's death. On their first Anniversary apart, my Dad was fighting for his life in the ICU after nearly losing his leg. He bounced back but then almost died again when his kidney's failed around New Years. He again bounced back. He complained about dialysis but seemed to be doing ok. In May, my Nanna's health declined. In order to ensure her pain was managed, I got hospice involved. Within a few weeks, she was in the final stages of death, She had that look. The look that my Mom had, the look that will forever haunt me. I broke down and hugged her and apologized for keeping a secret. I told her that is OK that she can go be with my Mom and Aunt Donna. That is why they have not visited with her. Within 2 hours of our visit, my Nanna died.
Now, here we are 2 months later and now my Dad is gone.
My whole childhood........ coded, unsuccessful dead.
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