The Scars Remind Me

Looking back over the years has brought me insight.  Navigating through a complicated life brings clarity.  As humans, we can have the same experience. Yet, the way we respond or process it makes each journey and experience unique to the individual.

Personally, I have found it easier to continue moving forward than to stop and linger on the hot coals of despair.  I have felt the painful burn of loss. As Papa Roach sings, "the scars remind me the past is real."  Not a day goes by that I don't think about my Nanna, Aunt Donna, Mom, Dad and Aria. Each of them possesses more than a chapter in the book of my life.

Growing up my Dad had a great collection of Albums. YES-RECORDS!  Whenever we had a get together, he would play a mix of music. Because of him, I have a huge repertoire of music taking up space in my brain. 
Music has always been my voice. It is the window into my soul/emotions. Most of my memories include a song. The last few years can be summarized "So Far Away" by Avenged Sevenfold and Broken Bones by Rev Theory.  How do I live without the ones I love?   "Lie to Me" by12 Stones, and Far From Over by Rev Theory sums up my years at USP because I nearly ruined my relationship with my best friend. "
Throughout my life, the Afghan Whigs (all Greg Dulli) and Nine Inch Nails have consistently been my two of my favorite bands.The angst, moodiness, pain and hurt just always seems to be fitting.   If you are singing it, the words belong to someone else. If you are singing it, you don't have to say it.

OneRepublic- Counting Stars (Lyrics)

Every time this comes on radio, my older firk yells, "this is your song." hmmm.



 Everything that kills me makes me feel alive

Loss of life, love,,,,,,,

I am not an overly emotional person but this video causes me to tear up on bad days. I have experienced so much loss over the past few years. My daughter, my parents- really my whole childhood family. I sometimes think my mind should be added to the list of lost.



 I know that I have a wonderful husband, beautiful children and a few great friends, but it doesn't replace Aria, my Mom, my Dad, my Aunt and Nanna.  I keep busy so that I don't need to think, to feel.







The old people in this video just make me think of my Mom's final days and my Dad who was in denial trying to make everything all right until the end. The minute my Mom took her final breath my Dad just broke down. I feel like it was yesterday. The emotion is still raw.

I am giving up on you.

  I will swallow my pride. You're the one that I love and I am saying Goodbye.

This is how I feel!

This has been-- DRIVING ME CRAZY!  I have been to hell and back or maybe I am still in hell. I can't quite tell since things never seem to get better. Each day, I ponder what next? With that being said, why do people think they can say what they want and blame it on a mental condition and think the situation will be ok? It is not OK.  It is far from OK.  If society thinks it is alright and a legitimate excuse to be a irresponsible ass than I want a diagnosis because I am sick of being the "good guy" who keeps getting shit on.

CODED, UNSUCCESSFUL, DEAD

7/29/13- GOODBYE DAD

I know that I should not be surprised because I was told that my Dad would be lucky if he made it until July without bypass surgery and life style changes.

Yet, I am. I held onto the belief that he would defy all odds. After all, he is a Marine where pain is just weakness leaving the body.

Thursday 7/25 the kids and I had a great time with PopPop. We had ice cream together and wished him luck for his scheduled surgery the next day.  On Friday 7/26, I was at the hospital and when the surgeon came out, he was beaming with happiness. My Dad did great and he even looked fantastic. We had hopes that he would be home by Saturday but he had a chest pain here and there, which delayed "going home." On Sunday 7/28, I spent hours with him at the hospital.  He was trying to sign himself out but he was advised against it because if his heart weakened any further, he would be unable to have a bypass. He decided that he would wait until Monday or wait until he had the chance to speak with the surgeon.   Sadly, he never got the chance.

Monday morning, I received a call from my Uncle saying they had to move my Dad to ICU. I took the kid's to my BFFs house and was heading to the hospital. While at my BF's house, I received a phone call asking me if I was on my way to the hospital.  When I responded, "yes", the nurse asked, by yourself? um yes. I just had a feeling that this wasn't going to be good. When I arrived at the hospital, they surrounded me and asked to speak with me in private before I saw him. We (his girlfriend, brother and I) went into this small room. the story began: he had a chest pain that would not go away,  moved him to ICU for better monitoring, he had difficulty breathing so they inserted a breathing tube to ease his anxiety and then HE CODED.  My brain thought Coded, oh no coded....... Dr tried for 45 minutes to revive him and was unsuccessful and then the words were spoken, he died.

CODED, UNSUCCESSFUL, DEAD

Oh my God, my Dad is dead. PopPop is gone. My entire childhood, my family gone. Just like that. Coded. Unsuccessful, Dead. Gone from my life. Gone from my precious son who has already lost so many people. Taken from my girls who will never know what it is like to have maternal Grandparents, a maternal family.

Grief- what is it?  Numb, I am feeling numb.
Coded, unsuccessful dead...... like my emotions. Afraid to love, too indifferent to hate.

Just keep moving forward.

First, I lost my daughter Aria in 2008. Then my Aunt Donna died (2011) at the age of 50 from complications associated with Lupus. Less than 6 months later, my Mother's lung cancer took her from me at the age of 55. I will never forget the way she looked, her last breath and my Dad's embrace. I didn't have time to mourn. I needed to move forward and fast in order to take care of my Nanna- my Mom's Mom. She didn't know that her two daughter preceded her in death because of dementia, which I suppose has its perks. In the meantime, my Dad's health was declining after my Mom's death. On their first Anniversary apart, my Dad was fighting for his life in the ICU after nearly losing his leg. He bounced back but then almost died again when his kidney's failed around New Years. He again bounced back. He complained about dialysis but seemed to be doing ok. In May, my Nanna's health declined. In order to ensure her pain was managed, I got hospice involved. Within a few weeks, she was in the final stages of death, She had that look. The look that my Mom had, the look that will forever haunt me.  I broke down and hugged her and apologized for keeping a secret.  I told her that is OK that she can go be with my Mom and Aunt Donna. That is why they have not visited with her. Within 2 hours of our visit, my Nanna died.

Now, here we are 2 months later and now my Dad is gone. 
My whole childhood........ coded, unsuccessful dead.

For you my sweet Aria!

MOD Commercial

PRICELESS! http://youtu.be/ysAgOiC9HyI

Rise Above this

RISE ABOVE THIS 
Take the light and darken everything around me
Call the clouds and listen closely I'm lost without you
Call your name every day when I feel so helpless
I'm fallen down but I'll rise above this, rise above this

Hate the mind, regrets are better left unspoken
For all we know, this void will grow
And everything's in vain, distressing you though it leaves me open
Feels so right, but I'll end this all before it gets me

Call your name every day when I feel so helpless
I'm fallen down but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Call your name every day when I seem so helpless
I'm fallen down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this doubt

I'll mend myself before it gets me
(I'll mend myself before it gets me)
I'll mend myself before it gets me
(I'll mend myself before it gets me)

Call your name every day when I feel so helpless
I'm fallen down but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Forty eight ways to say that I'm feelin' helpless
I'm Falling down, falling down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this,
Rise above this, rise above this doubt

10-5-12

As Always life is CRAZY and unpredictable.  There is so much to write about.

On a positive note, the Afghan Whigs concert exceeded my expectations.  They are my 2nd favorite band of all time. I have been following them since..... 95ish? Of course, they broke up at some point and I saw Greg's other bands but Afghan Whigs have always been my favorite. The singer cleaned up his act and was spot on the night of the show. Nothing like a sold out venue where everyone knows every word to every song. AMAZING!

Of course, my phone battery died so I only got a clip here and there.

Ginger!

To my Ginger Sistas!

This is too funny not to share. The sun will never be our friend.

A parody of Die Atwoord

Shimmer

In a time where everything is disposable, I am so proud of my BF for working on the marriage instead of running away from the problems. CHEERS TO YOU BUD!




It is a coldplay type of day.

Recently someone posted, for those of you that say, God gives you want you deserve, you must be tucking all of your kids into bed at night.

Indestructable

I have so much on mind and not enough time to think these days.  Or maybe, I can't think which is why I am going to a neurologist. Whatever the case, I hope they can get me on the right track so I don't end up a miserable old person. haha* Oh whatever. If I am not miserable now after EVERYTHING I have had to deal with, I will never be...    People get old, bodies break. Realizing that this might be residual effects from falling out of a car when I was 15-16 years old is a kicker.  I guess I am not indestructible. boo*

I am really happy that I have a new group of friends that are very positive people and a joy to be around.  I didn't realize that for the past decade I have been around such negative people


.








A re-post... I think.

To tell the truth To tell it well.....

Whoa this song just popped into my head.

waited long

The waiting's over

So get on down

This time we go a little lower

The sun has broke

I stretch it out

And throw some gas into the fire

To tell the truth

To tell it well

It all depends upon the liar

It feels so good to tell the truth and tell it well.  One person at a time.  

To All the REAL MEN out there, I hope you had a magnificent Daddy's day.

REAL MEN ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR ACTIONS!

Friends

I saw a great friend from high school last night. It amazes me how so much time passes, life & situations change, yet our friendship never missed a beat.  You would have never know that we last saw each other 9 years ago! He was like my big brother. [he says, "Bean is the trouble maker isn't she? she is your mini-- knowing me for as long as he has, he saw right through her hahahah*]   Anyway, I have been so caught up with girls and have been so busy that I didn't realize he wasn't in Kansas anymore (lol); Nashville!  Where the heck have I been- oh yeah, first getting into trouble with stupid people then chasing toddlers!  

O

I am amazed with America's fascination with 50 Shades of Grey.  This book has created spark in bedrooms across the nation. Every woman wants a Christian Grey.....  (I am sure some women want a break from Christian Grey too once in awhile- hehehe*  lol)

Regardless, I am not impressed with this series.  It is a good intro to the BDSM world for the novice but this type of literature has been around forever.  Quite frankly, this book is lacking. . . . .  Read an old school novel.

Three BDSM classics are

Justine by Marquis de Sade 1791
Venus in Furs  Leopold Von Sacher-Masoch  1870
Look at the authors names. Meet SADISM & Masochism............
Underground classic : The Story of O? published in 1954..... 

The how to manual that has a lot of great info......
Screw the Roses and Send me the Thorns 
"There's clear explanations and detailed tutorials for beginners, as general as "safe, sane, and consensual" and as specific as "you will be swinging the whip with your arm pivoting at the shoulder." There's also solid advice, safety measures, steamy suggestions, plenty of black-and-white photographs, useful and humorous drawings, an extensive glossary, and over 900 entries of S/M clothing and equipment vendors, publications, computer bulletin boards, and organizations worldwide. As sadomasochism is a practice that's still taboo for many people, the chapter on finding partners and sharing your fantasies with existing partners can be invaluable.

First shows in over a decade and both SOLD OUT! woohoo!  MEMORIES.........




http://www.spin.com/articles/afghan-whigs-play-first-show-13-years-full-report?utm_source=spintwitter&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=spintwitter

SET LIST FOR THE FIRST SHOW AT BOWERY: I SURE HOPE THEY ADD "NOW YOU KNOW!"  Great list though.  I can sing each one of these songs word for word. lol  Did I mention that What Jail is like has been my ringtone for the past 5 years.

Setlist:
"Crime Scene, Part One"
"I'm Her Slave"
"Uptown Again"
"What Jail Is Like"
"Going to Town"
"When We Two Parted"/"Dead Body"
"Gentlemen"
"66"
"Conjure Me"
"Crazy"
"My Enemy"
"Debonair
"Bulletproof"
"Summer's Kiss"
"Faded"

"See and Don't See"
"Lovecrimes"
"Fountain and Fairfax"
"Somethin' Hot

"Miles Iz Ded"

Little Talks

Isn't this song weird?!

There is a great debate over the meaning:
Some people say that it is about the loss of a child tearing a couple apart.  Others suggest that it is about the loss of a spouse.  Some individuals believe that it is in reference to marriage that is dead to the wife.   She is very unhappy but the husband is holding onto it, saying everything will be OK.  It all sounds plausible.

hmmm.......

What do you think it means?

I think we need a "Shinedown" moment when the writer explains what it really means.

YAY!!

Oct 5, Afghan Whigs are playing in NYC. To some this is simply a concert, but to me it signifies an era of my life when I lived in NYC.  I  really got into Gentlemen & Congregation! Sadism, Masochism, Love, hate and sex.  Although brooding and depressive, it really represents a period when I was truly happy with myself. I loved the city and the ability to be me!  Being me, isn't easy. lol

My first ring tone: What Jail is Like

Lonely?

Maybe or maybe not

It all depends

Your ideal, your image

Your definition of a friend

If what you're shoveling is company

Then I'd rather be alone

Resentment always goes much further than it was supposed to go

Doing the right thing....

I feel like I should write a tell all story. As soon as I am finished with my current obligations, I will do so!!

the whispering that is not labeled: YOU LET ME DOWN THIS TIME
                                                   i am the exit

love the iron maiden, slayer and Metallica t's. lol




Plans of what our futures hold, foolish lies of growing old
It seems we're so invincible, the truth is so cold
A final song, a last request, a perfect chapter laid to rest
Now and then I try to find a place in my mind
Where you can stay, you can stay awake forever

How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book its burned
Place and time always on my mind
I have so much to say but you're so far away

Sleep tight, I'm not afraid
The ones that we love are here with me
Lay away a place for me
'Cause as soon as I'm done I'll be on my way
To live eternally

How do I live without the ones I love?
Time still turns the pages of the book its burned
Place and time always on my mind
And the light you left remains but it's so hard to stay
When I have so much to say and you're so far away

I love you, you were ready
The pain is strong and urges rise
But I'll see you when he lets me
Your pain is gone, your hands untied

So far away and I need you to know
So far away and I need you to, need you to know

Mom, Aria and Aunt Donna, I miss you.

With every change of season, I must begin the task of sorting clothes. I think I need to toss/give away all the stuff that says, "Grandma" loves me. My girls will never remember having a grandma or a Nawney. It is really sad.

Mother's day will be here before I know it. Last year, we had such a good time. X took us for brunch and then later my Mom came over for potato pancakes and other yummy treats, Who knew that it would be one of the last times that my Mom really would eat something and enjoy it? CANCER SUCKS!

I miss my Mom so much.




If you were here
I know that you would
Truly be amazed
At what's become of what you made
If you were here
You would know how I treasured every day
How every single word you spoke
Echo's in me like a memory of hope

When you were here
You could not feel the value that I placed
On every look that crossed your face
When you were here
I did not know just how I had embraced
All that you hid behind your face
Could not hide from me
'Cause it hid in me too

Parent:
Hello tiger, it's great fun, talking with you. like this--in fact I'm going to do it more often

Now that I'm here I hear you and wonder if maybe you can hear yourself
Ringing in me now that your somewhere else.

Parent:I miss you a lot

'Cause I hear your strange music gentle and true

Parent: But I'm so proud of everything you do there

Singing inside me with the best parts of you

Parent: Next time I see you you'll proudly sing it back to me

Now that I'm here
I hope somewhere you here them too
Now that I'm here

I love you...

Daughter:
It's okay you can go now 
____________________________________________________

Please Support Our Team!!

I created a team in Memory of Aria to raise money for the March of Dimes. In addition to Aria's memory, we are celebrating the lives of my 3 NICU graduates.  

Nothing in life prepares you for a long NICU journey.  Nothing prepares you to lose a child because they are premature. 

Please support our team.  Every day, babies are born too soon or very sick. The money we raise in March for Babies helps fund research to find treatments and preventions. And it supports programs in your community that give moms the best chance of a healthy, full-term pregnancy. You can donate securely online

 http://www.marchforbabies.org/WendoX4  

Memorial

A positive way to cope. lol

Goodbye 2011!

DID YOU HEAR THAT NEW AWESOME BIEBER SONG???   LOL LOL "Let it Be

"

I sure hope 2012, is a good year. I happily said goodbye to 2011! In reality, I am not sure if a new year really makes a difference?  A new year means we are a year older and possibly wiser? If only a new year could erase the negative events of years passed. I can't say that I ended 2011 with any regrets.  Of course, I  wish I could have foretold the future. Maybe I would have chosen to do some things a little differently; however, with the knowledge that I had, I did all that I could humanly do.

I got my first laptop for Xmas from my Dad this year.  Maybe I will get creative in 2012 or something. lol

Adapting to life without my Mom has obstacles. Having a very small extended, dysfunctional family causes my children to miss out on the whole "family" concept.

On the Thursday prior to Xmas, I had to take Lx to the emergency room for an episode with croup.  She was given an oral steroid and seemed to bounce back within 48 hours.  As if that was not traumatic enough, we apparently contracted food poisoning at Christmas eve dinner. It hit the family on Christmas day around 6. We were all sick as dogs. When both parents and the kids are sick, it is challenging!! I think Athena will forever associate the futon with puke.  It took a few days but we finally bounced back.  Lx on the other hand, was not so lucky. After being sick for days, her body became too weak from fighting and she stopped eating and drinking which caused her to be dehydrated.

My little man is going to be 10 in Feb and we never had a hospital stay.  I really didn't know what to expect from a pediatric unit.  Starting an IV on a dehydrated infant was not an easy task. A specialist had to come in to do it and he ignored the nurses when they said, she sucks her right thumb.  Needless to say, the IV was placed in her right hand making her even more miserable than she already was.  I had to sleep/rest with her on my chest because she would not allow me to put her down.  Even crazier was the fact that I could see the room that my Mom died in from Lx's window. Here we were one month later..... instead of a dehydrated Mom bringing me to the CMC, it was my dehydrated child. Yes, I was freaked out.

Only a few days left until Christmas and nearly a month has passed since my Mom died. I am still not sure what I am going to do without her. :0(

I am so sick of everything and everyone.

I know that I am suppose to take things one day at a time but the minutes seem endless and  these days are too long.

I sit awake counting the sad days... 1, 2, 3 thats too many for me.

Love Is Watching Someone Die

"LOVE IS WATCHING SOMEONE DIE"  death cab for cutie

 The rate at which my Mom's health deteriorated is difficult to wrap my head around. The last time my Mom was feeling up to visiting was on Halloween Oct 31, 2011. That was the last time that she came to my house.
    As November progressed, my Mom's cough got worse. Cole slept over  her house Sat Nov 12 and on Monday Nov 14, she received the news that the cancer was aggressive, not responding to chemo and spreading. All of her hope was crushed. I hung out with her Tuesday but she was super tired. By Wednesday, she was in pain, coughing up mucous nonstop, turning blue and unable to eat or drink anything without choking. I asked her what does SHE want to do at this point. She said, GO TO SLEEP.  Looking for alternatives I asked about the Cancer Treatment Center of America and she said, she wasn't interested.  "If they could cure everyone, nobody would die from cancer." I responded,  do you want me to call hospice?  she said, if you think it is a good idea. At that moment, I just started to sob as I hugged her like a little girl. She too began to cry.  She was defeated. I knew in my heart that the cancer won and that I was going to lose my Mom. Through my tears I said, I am sorry Mom, I am selfish. I don't want to see you suffer but I don't want to say Goodbye either. I want my Mom. I want my kids to have their Nawney. Life seems so unfair sometimes.

       9 days after entering the Hospice Inpatient Unit, My Mom passed away. I was beat down physically and mentally. My Dad and I took turns and shifts at the hospital. We both feared that if we left, she would feel alone and we didn't want her to be alone when she died.  Every day I wondered, will today be the day?  My Dad on the otherhand held onto the belief that he would be taking her home and we would tend to her needs there just as we did the first night.   

      On Sunday Nov 27, I rushed to get out of my house and to the hospital. I normally left my house around 10 and got there around 10:30 but on this day, I was out of the house earlier.  Before going upstairs to 7777, I stopped to have a cigarette.  One of my Mom's nurses joined me and when I asked about her status, she said, no change; however, she felt that my Mom was slipping into a coma.  When I got upstairs, my Mom's eyes were half open and grey and as she stared out the window. I hugged her and rested my head on hers, kissing her gently and said, Mom, I love you. She gave me a slight nod.  I said, I know, you love me too.  My phone rang and I excused myself.  My Dad was hugging her and talking about shopping for my Barbie. Suddenly, my Dad comes running out of the room.  Nicole, I think she is gone.  I ran in and placed my hand on her chest and she was no longer breathing. She was gone.  My Mom died at 10am.  My Dad and I embraced as the tears flowed. We both lost out best friend. Now what?
    When Aria died, she was wrapped in a yellow blanket before she was taken to the funeral home.  The blanket was about the size of a piece of paper. When my Mom first entered the hospital, I gave her the blanket in lieu of a stuffed toy. The blanket meant the world to me because it was the only thing I have left to remind me of Aria. That blanket went with my Mom to the funeral home too. The funeral director was going to give it back but I sent it to be cremated. I don't know--- I just didn't want my Mom to feel alone for a single minute.
     I made it through the viewing with my best friends- Eric and Poppy by my side. Strangely, the viewing seemed easy. Watching my Mom waste away to bones and actually seeing her die was guesome. At the viewing, she looked like a stranger. A stranger about to smile.  I was standing over her body trying to fix her wig. She never feathered her hair. As I was doing this, I hit her cold, odd feeling ear and exclaimed, ICK, aloud, which made me start laughing.  I guess a girl standing over a dead body laughing hysterically looks a bit weird. My odd child says, Ma, you better check on my oddmother, she is laughing.  It just reminded me of all the funny things that my Mom, Poppy and I  would laugh about.
     I am not sure that I have grieved because I am so busy with the girls and trying to help my poor dad. I am starting to feel a bit burned out.  I wish I could skip xmas this year, FAST FWD please.

My children are so lucky to have an AWESOME DADDY!

You Are my Sunshine

Isn't it amazing how this song can go from disney giddy to depressing?  




After the grief and sorrow, comes some sense of stability in an unstable world.  IT IS TIMES LIKE THESE..............

Happy Birthday Aria

HAPPY 3rd BIRTHDAY ARIA

I saw this quote yesterday and thought, how true!


“A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn’t will find an excuse.”


How many people do you know who claim to want something so badly, yet they never achieve the goal or desired outcome?

Interesting quote.

"If it ends, it will  always be badly; otherwise, it would never end."

First Birthday

SUCCESS!

The first birthday party was awesome.  Great friends, a fantastic cake, hot sunny weather and a pool as warm as bath water. What more can you ask for? 

                 

Lennon say Hi to Aria for me.

My heart is breaking. When a pregnancy is progressing smoothly, complications are unexpected. A great friend of mine, who was the happiest pregnant lady ever, was planning her baby shower two weeks from today. It was discovered  that the baby was developing fluid around his lungs and during the examination, Mom's water broke. She was rushed to LVH. where she delivered vaginally. Despite all attempts, the baby's heart rate did not increase. He died in his Mom's arms 1hr after birth. Life just seems so unfair. I exclaimed. OMG-OMG- X, her baby is dead.  Instant flashback to holding Aria knowing she was going to die,  Nothing in life prepares you to lose your baby. With a baby comes a bunch of dreams and aspirations- a future. When that life ceases,  a future also dies.
     R.I.P baby boy.  Lennon, you will be forever missed and loved by your Mommy.

Ashes to Ashes.
Love to our Forever Babies.

Just a Pile of Junk

People spend an entire life accumulating STUFF. In the end, what does the stuff mean? NOTHING. It is a mess left behind for someone to sort through. Bag it up, throw it away. Goodbye life, It really is sad when you think about it.

Look what I found. I wrote this March 1997. I was living in Brooklyn at the time. Why did I stop writing letters to people who don't have email?  My Aunt was a born again Christian. As the pastor said at her memorial- A prayer warrior.

Death, Blogging vs Journal

Captain's Log 7-72011

I don't even know where to begin. Our trip to Essex, CT was terrific, The girls LOVED the beach. Lx was the sand eater and Athena was the sand thrower.  As always, Cole was mellow. After CT, we drove to NY, NY and stayed with our BF in the east village. For the 4th, we saw the macy's fireworks.

*BOOM*

A fragment of  ?? landed in Cole's eye. Instant pain. In a crowd of 1000's. I have to be mean.  Suck it up, we got to get back to the apt, and get on the road to go home. We will go to the eye dr first thing in the am.

We are trying to leave and get stuck in a ridiculous amount of Tunnel traffic for an hour+. We get through the tunnel and my tire goes flat!!! We back down an on ramp and make it to this spooky little gas station in the NJ somewhere. maybe Newark?  By this time, we are exhausted and have 3 sleeping children in the back seat. Finally, we  get on the road and X starts falling asleep despite all my attempts to keep him awake. People who know me, know that I cannot see at night. I figured me not seeing is safer than his swaying into other lanes. Must try to keep my babies safe. Home safely at 3:30am. X was suppose to be at work by 7:00.  At 7, Bean starts yelling UP. I look over and realize that X did not get up for work.

At 8:00, I received a phone call from my dad that my aunt donna died. WHAT?!  Although she was suffering with Lupus, this was sudden.  Apparently, she fell and hit her head. She climbed back into her bed and died. It is assumed that she died Saturday night or Sunday morning. She was found July 4 when her friends realized that she did not get her Sunday paper.

While X was changing my flat, I posted on FB about being stuck. Come to realize that when my friend said,  "take your time, be safe etc etc" it had more meaning than usual. He was the first responder to the 911 call.  He knew what I was returning home to.  Coming through  the door of her apartment, he was bombarded with pictures of me, X and my children. His first though, shit, this is Nik's Mom.  My Aunt and I were close. Probably, just as close as me and my Mom.

A week ago, I spoke to her. She sounded off. Not herself at all. I expressed concern, However, I never imagined it would come to this. The obituary hit me like a tidal wave. Ouch! Preceded in death by her niece Aria, OMG- my daughter. It is in writing. Because nobody met her, I think people forget that she existed.  Oh Aunt Donna, if there is a heaven, I hope you are cuddling with Aria and Jason.

As I stood in the line at the viewing, all of her friends said, she loved you and your children so much. We feel like we know you and X. My response, I KNOW, I KNOW.   We went to her apartment last night because the exec of the will needed the checkbook and such. We had to rummage through paperwork. I found journals and read a few entries. Then found the one from 2008. I opened up to my pregnancy with Aria. Every entry expressed concerned about my well being. "Nicole, is bleeding again; I am so worried." Then on the day Aria died, she wrote about the time I called, the birth and went on to say she just couldn't stop crying. On other days I saw posts that said, nobody called me today....... I suggested that we toss them or at least that my Mom not read them. Who knows what is written.

Anyway during the service the pastor went on a love Jesus join the church tirade. I literally stared at the floor and heard LA LA LA LA LA drowning him out. X on the other hand focused on the phrase PRAYER WARRIOR and thought it should have been followed by tiger blood and Madonna's DNA. lol This love Jesus speech made me stop crying and get annoyed so I reckon it was a good thing.

This brings me to the question:
Old school handwritten journal. Is it meant to be read or shared upon death?  These online blogs or journals are going to be read, which alters thoughts or true feelings,  A journal on the other hand is personal in my opinion.  What good is it now to find out that she was in a lot of pain? that she was sad that nobody called? hurt that people did not visit?

This is a lot to absorb in a short amount of time.
RECOVERY.............................

You & Me doll

Captains Log: 06202011

My baby girls is 11 months old today. I cannot believe a year is quick approaching.

This week I am leaving for a few days to go to Newport, Rhode Island. I know I need some time away from the girls but I am having pre- separation anxiety. lol My baby cries when I leave the room. I hope she is ok for 3.5 days without Mommy.

On a serious note, my 19 month old daughter broke the head off of a You & Me doll, which is an exclusive Toys R Us item, Because this doll babbles and such there were wires exposed. I believe a piece of plastic may have snapped. I have been unable to locate it. Check out the masking tape that she could have eaten and the frayed wires inside. SCARY STUFF!!!  I contacted Toys R Us and they sent the information to their safety department. They were very quick to respond via email and phone.

One Year.......

One year ago today, I was considered disabled, removed from work and placed on bed rest. Reality sunk in laced with the feelings of panic and fear. The thoughts were rushing through my head like the flooded Mississippi heading toward New Orleans.  I was completely overwhelmed by the situation.

Its too early to have Alexa, I was only 24 weeks. Death or lifelong disabilities possible. I have no annual leave or sick time at work: How will we live without a check?  Who is going to help me since I am not suppose to lift Bean?"

 I was reassured that everything works out in the end, 

Car Seat Recall

After receiving a notice from Diapers.com regarding a recall of car seats, I looked it up online and my seat is recalled due to a possible problem with the straps. No biggie. However, after looking at an earlier recall I had a Ah Hah moment. 


I love my carseat because it attaches to the Quinny stroller without a problem. It is also nice looking. Since getting this carseat in 2008 for Athena, we have had problems getting the seat to attach to the base. Because I do it so often, I learned the tricks to maneuver the seat to get it to click into the base. Others who use it cannot get it to attach despite their best efforts, which is a safety risk.  I just figured that it was a difficult seat to use and I would give it a poor rating for ease of use.   


My seat is model 22371-CIP but it was manufactured 9/8/09.  Because of the date of manufacture, it is not on the recall list. However, I am experiencing the same problems as previous models listed.  I contacted Dorel and they are picking up my base on Thursday to have quality control/safety group check it out.   


Dorel Juvenile Group (DJG) is recalling certain Maxi-Cosi Mico infant child restraint systems, models 22-371 and 22-372, and Maxi-Cosi Mico infant child restraint system - base only, model 22-515, produced from July 2007 through February 17, 2008. Interference between the mounting bracket and the base caused by warping of the base or inadequate mating between the shell and the base mounting bracket can result in difficulty attaching or detaching the shell from the base. If the shell is improperly mounted to the base, the child could be injured in the event of a crash. DJG will notify all registered owners and will send a new Mico base to owners of the affected seats free of charge. The safety recall is expected to begin on or about July 24, 2009. Owners may contact DJG at 1-877-657-9546.

Happy Easter

It is sad that I am missing one child an A in the triple (Athena, Alexa - Aria).  

The children that I have are amazing. Each day I feel lucky before I get overwhelmed with the mess! LMAO  

Monumental Day!

Lx finally ate veggies! woo hoo

This calls for some VeggieTales

r upon his lap there sat a treat so fondly, of chocolate this and chocolate that.
Deliciousness that makes him feel so dandy, a chocolate bliss a chocolate snack.
Confections such as these are more than candy, somewhat like life, a box of that.
 I have my chocolate placed upon my lap. I feel so good; you just cannot top that.
I have my snack, a chocolate pack, of chocolate this and chocolate that.
Oh golly Mr. Nezzer, now what do you think of that?
Now time was passing and the sun grew hotter, upon his hat and his chocolate snack.
So beneath his hat he thought and pondered. What should I do, to save my hat?
He thought, and contemplated as he perspired, beneath his hat.Upon his lap.
He feared his chocolate treats would soon retire, into a pool...a chocolate vat.
I won't feel grand if I take off my hat. The sun's getting hot and my hat just might go flat. My hat, it might go flat, and my sweets will melt like that...
Oh hurry Mr. Trolley before my dapperness goes flat.
He decided to forego his looks so dashing, to save his hat and little snack.
 So he placed the treats upon the seat beside him and put his hat on top of that.
 Oh please Oh please, oh please!
Don't anybody sit close to me, upon my hat. I ask, if all of you could be so kindly, and just stand back, away from my snack!
A great big squash just sat upon my heat. A great big squash just squished my hat real flat. He squashed my hat, he made it flat, he squished my snack, oh what of that? Oh tell me anybody, now what do you think of that?
A great big squash just sat upon his hat. A great big enormous squash squished his hat real flat. He squashed his hat, he made it flat, he squished his snack, oh what of that?

Imitating The Boxer

Athena is at the age now where she copies everything. I thought that this was so cute and funny.

Nine Inch Nail Lullabies

My lil lady is cranky today. boo. Despite her mood, I can make her laugh by playing By the Way by the Chili peppers.  I wonder if she remembers me singing it to her in the NICU.  Everyday as I drove to the hospital, I would suffer a panic attack. Fear- that something might be wrong. Again, there was no rhyme or reason.

I saw Nine Inch Nails with all my pregnancies except Lxa. She got to hear the NIN lullaby CD everyday in the NICU with songs like Head like a Hole, Sin, Wish and Piggy.  Yes, I sang them all.  There is something weird about hearing baby friendly Closer.    She deserves to see a NIN show too.

At the last show in NJ, he actually played something I can never have..   For the past 17+ years, it has been one of my (and BFF's) favorite slow songs.

Ha Irt Irt Die

Athena says, "Ha Irt Irt Die" 

Happy Birthday Dr. Seuss

Thing 1 and Thing 2

You ask, "Who is that?"

They're a Seussical pair

From the Cat in the Hat

They come out of a box,

Thing 1 and Thing 2.

They do not say much,

Just "How do you do?"

They make mischief & mayhem

with "bumps, jumps, and kicks"

They like to fly kites

and do lots of bad tricks.

They destroy the whole house

while running about

as the fish in the dish yells

"You must get them out!"

Till at last, mom is seen

at the end of the day.

And the Cat packs them up

and takes them away.

Have I mentioned that we call the girls thing 1 and thing 2. C corrects me and says, no they are 3 and 4.  He and Aria are 1 and 2. At times, Thena really looks like Cindy Lou Who.

Lxa learned that she can make different sounds when there is food in her mouth so guess what? yep, she is spitting it everywhere!  It is rather funny but messy. Ms. Thena continues to toss food to the dog and needs a bath after every meal. I can spend the whole day cleaning and after one meal- it is a mess again. In the name of efficiency, I think that I should only clean 1x per day after dinner!

My short ribs simmering in chocolate stout smell splendid!!  I hope they taste as fantastic as they smell.
As I was searing the meat, it occurred to me that I ate short ribs at some french place in Manhattan a few weeks ago. They were that good! Lunch was at 12 and accompanied by a lovely wine pairing. Foofy-foo. From there, we skipped and hopped in true Nikki fashion!

I begin each day humming a happy tune. This morning it is Dee-Lite: Say Ahhh.  "the hippy spliffy made you lick your lippy" There is no rhyme or reason to my madness but it sure makes for a fun day.

Mean Old ladies-

Captains Log: 20-32- Post in a timely manner. Finish the 32 posts that you started before they are outdated.

The ugliest of mornings turns beautiful when I see Lx smiling.  Every day I am greeted with the biggest, warmest smile from my beautiful baby girl.  She is a blast.  I feel like I am one of the luckiest Moms ever.

I am very impressed by Lxa' s physical development.  She is rolling and trying to crawl. Currently, she pushes herself forward and gets to where she wants to go. Like me, she gets flustered easily,  Imagine that? lol 

This weekend I got to see a few people that I have not seen in ages. Oh Joy! Thank smart people for an open bar and irish bartender that knew his liquor.  Since my first date with X in 1993, I have had to put up with an annoying woman.  Back then I was told to just ignore one of them. At what point does, 

"she is old" 

stop being an excuse for ignorance, cruel words and stupidity?  

For 18 years, I have dealt with her "oldness"  She is not getting any younger- You would think that being close to death's door would scare the old religious lady but apparently hell does not scare her at all.  

Lets not even talk about her stealing my lollipops saturday. I could not make this stuff up if I tried. 

Love

For a moment all the world was right How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye 

And now I'm glad I didn't know 

The way it all would end the way it all would go 

Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain 

But I'd have had to miss the dance ~Garth Brooks

If you were to change the outcome of events, what else would change in your life?  How would that change ripple through the rest of your life? 

Our experiences shape who we are and what we become. It changes our perception of the world and our relations within it. I hate that "cliche" everything happens for a reason; however, I believe that it all works out in the end. 

I overheard X talking to Lx. "You are such a funny girl, I love you so much." That is what life is all about- Love, family, and an appreciation for life. 

A few months ago, C and I saw Shinedown in an acoustic "Storytellers" format and it was a fantastic show. Nothing beats the opportunity to share these moments with your child. We love Shinedown so it was simply amazing.  Must admit I had goose bumps when they sang- The Crow and the Butterfly which is about a Mom losing her child and the memories that remain. The child is the crow and the Mom is the Butterfly.  It makes perfect sense.  

http://youtu.be/1B89Osfj8dg?hd=1